The other weekend I went camping with my family and a friend. I'm glad I brought an outsider to attest to my family's antics, because as crazy and outlandish as you think they sound... seeing it is believing. I can't even begin to describe the Ramos debauchery ..it's all so inappropriate, embarrassing and hilarious but here goes.
My Mom likes to portray herself as quiet and reserved but when she's around family and me in particular she lets loose. She curses like a sailor, makes everything a sexual joke, likes to embarrass her kids beyond belief and thoroughly gets off on people hurting themselves (we are identical, with the exception of perception..I could give two shits how people think of me, she genuinely cares.)
My Dad is a whole other blog of fucked-up, but here's a quick back-story. My parents were married and then divorced, while I was in utero. He lived in Dallas, my mom and I lived in the Valley (RGV, aka almost Mexico.) My parents - either by sincere emotion, Mexican Catholic guilt propagated by both Grandmothers, or my incessant crying and complete naive begging, got back together to give it another shot when I was around seven. They had my brother when I was nine and have been unhappily cohabitating, well now recently, happily unmarried from then on.
Anyway, my Dad is super outgoing and needs the spotlight. He loves to tell stories and be the center of attention. He is really.. really emotional. He's cried more than I've ever seen a man cry and is super touchy-feely, heart to heart loving, long talks- sappy kind of guy..completely opposite of my Mother. Oh and he's huge, 6'2 and biiiiiiig. Imagine that stature blubbering like a baby. My Dad is not as funny as my Mom though, not naturally, at least. My mom can come back with quick quips- usually dirty whereas my Dad will most likely keep making fun of you because he has nothing to say. He gets flustered when my mom jokes about sex with me.. as he should. As a Father of a twenty-something Daughter, I can imagine it is rough.. and that would be the end of that..but he, my father, in order to join in on the fun will turn every harmless joke my Mom says into deliberate uncomfortable situations about them and their (barf) love life. (real or not, it's disgusting).
My family, my Dad's side is a hot mess, simply put. Outrageous, loud, alcohol-loving, night owls who like to have a good time, whether it's camping late at night or a two year old's birthday party. Where there is family and booze, we will have a good time.
All these explanations are necessary, trust me.
So upon arrival, my friend so graciously brings a bottle of vodka, worried that maybe she shouldn't, this being a family gathering and all.. I said something along the lines of, "no, they'll love it."
We walk up, vodka in hand and I hear my Aunt yell, "we got another bottle, see I told you! We should have bet!" --Now that's a welcome! Almost immediately we start drinking, making drinks for my Mom, Aunts and my dearest cousin, who is a hot mess just like me. After some catching up and playful banter, mostly at my expense my mom has now said countless inappropriate things such as: when discussing how hot and sweaty "we" are she calls a vagina... a... CLAM. She points out the size of my boobs, thanks to a very well constructed bikini top and almost immediately asks if anyone has been "sucking on them, because they look bigger."
Later that night and almost an entire liter of vodka later, I suggest a "pants off dance off" -which went over well.. although I may have started and competed by myself for a while. The (fully clothed, thank God) dance off turned into me "dropping it like it was hot"....on my mother. It didn't stop there.. my Dad, being himself, had to compete and try to take me out.. he has some moves, I'll give him that.. but before I threw up watching my dad dry hump a chair saying, "that's what your mom likes" to Marvin Gaye..I shut him up the only way I know how... I said, "weird.. that's what the guys I sleep with say about me!" He quickly stopped and shut the hell up. Then in order to put that conversation to bed, I suggested we play a friendly game of family flip cup. -Normal right?
Being of the Ramos clan, my family was intrigued by anything involving alcohol and competition. So we played until the wee hours of the night. Kids were even playing- with soda, though as we find out later my 13 year old cousin was sneaking beer. As it turns out, family flip cup was a real bonding experience. Beer pong on the other hand (which we also played) was not - we are way to competitive for that shit. In the midst of all this family fun debauchery I looked over at my friend, fully understanding for the first time what is happening and said, "this. is. my. family. .. is this real life? Clearly I didn't stand a chance"
I mean, really. We are a product of our environment, are we not? My mom is ridiculous, vulgar and pure evil. My Dad is loud, egotistical, a natural center of attention - spotlight loving goof. My family is loud, crazy and hella fun. Nowhere in the cards was I meant to be an engineer, doctor or business-y, functioning member of society. I fully accept where I am, who I am and how I behave.. but I will continue to use my family as writing material. That the least they can do for me. Bastards.
