Long time no blog. I've been really bad about consistency, this is unacceptable. I know I have started out a blog with that first sentence at least a handful of times, I'm sorry.
So what's new you might be asking, (probably not, I'm just trying to segue.) Well, I have... moved...HOME. Yes, as in, back home. Yes, as in...with my....PARENTS. I know. I know. No one is more pissed/embarrassed about it than I am. There is nothing cute about being 26, jobless, and living at home. The only silver lining is that where I'm from, it's not that uncommon, it is actually the norm. Soooo I guess that makes me normal, for once. I'd rather not be.
So living back at home, as you can imagine means tons and TONS of time with my mother. Ahhh yes, that evil, mean spirited, nothing-nice-to-say SheDevil. She did try to not insult me or push me over the edge for the first few days... but I mean, like few as in 2 or 3 and then it was back to her incessant criticizing and ridicule.
I will say this though, I thought it would be different, not worse but different, because it is still bad. I was expecting the constant nagging about my weight, my dating life you know, the usual. Instead, I don't know if it is because I am older now, or because of the way my dad jokes about them... having private alone time (barf) and how that makes me really fucking uncomfortable (duh) but she is now participating in that. I CANNOT FUCKING DEAL. I CAN'T.
I mean, getting this shit from my Dad is awful, don't get me wrong, but he is so gross that I just don't believe it. Now coming from my mom who is the world's worst liar, she can't get out a joke let alone a lie without a grin and chuckle, throws me off. I mean, it makes me wonder. NO CHILD SHOULD HAVE TO WONDER ABOUT THIS SHIT. Yes I said child, yes I am 26 but when your parents talk about their private life, you will always be 12 hearing something you shouldn't.
I will just divulge one example because I seriously think I would barf reliving these conversations.
My friend is working at a retirement home, caring for the elderly and unfortunately has had to deal with a lot of bodily fluids, not her own. She texts me some stories, because well, venting is natural and we like to joke about the awful things that happen to us and ask each other where we went wrong in life. So she sent me a text saying, "I got another golden shower, where did I go wrong in life? I'm going to start calling my residents R. Kelly." (this was the second time that happened, if you're not sure what a golden shower is, kudos you're still innocent, let's trade lives. It is when someone pees on you; mostly for sexual pleasure.) Naturally I start laughing out loud, I am with my mom and aunt in the car. Mom asks, "What's so funny?" I read her the text, give her the back-story. "Mom, do you know what a golden shower is?" Mistake, Sam. Such a mistake.
"Yes, your dad asked me to do that once."
I rolled down the window because, I am not kidding you, gag reflex kicked in and I really thought I was about to channel the exorcist.
Meanwhile, my sexual deviant of a mother was sitting there straight faced explaining what a golden shower was to my aunt who then had the same reaction as I did.
My aunt chimes in, "why the hell would you say that?? In front of your daughter, you sicko!" Exactly, thank god I'm not alone. My mother is out of this world crazy. She needs to be studied. I am utterly disgusted, excuse me I'm going to go shower again because I feed dirty.
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