Mama's Break-Up Checklist

Miranda Lambert's - Mama's Broken Heart - written by Kasey Musgraves, two fierce Texas Girls with no apologies.

When I first heard this song I related in so many ways, I was actually dealing with a breakup and very much relating to the lyrics "I numbed the pain at the expense of my liver." "Sometimes revenge is a choice you gotta make" etc. You can read all about that here.

Anyway.. my mom was battling with her reactions and advice to me. She battled between what she should say - as her responsibility as a mother and what she thought and felt. Because I am my mother's daughter.. I completely understood. I was battling between how I wanted to react and how I knew what I should do. On the one hand I was confused, embarrassed  sad, let down, depressed etc. On the other hand I was furious, Lorena Bobbitt -furious. I wanted to destroy him and at one point..I called my mom and said, "I'm going to jail, be ready to bail me out please." "WHAT? WHY? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" She quickly asked. "I'm going over to his house.. shit hit the fan and well, he lied. He has some explaining to do..and begging." "Sam, DO NOT do anything stupid..it's not worth it, that  racist-momma's boy-asshole isn't worth it. Can't you just wait a month or two and key his car in a parking lot..so no one will suspect you?" she says. If that little conversation could sum up the motherly advice and her true disdain for men who hurt me/crazy bitter old woman advice, it would be that one.

 Overreaction? Yes, but you know what they say, ...bitches be crazy, well that and "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned" and shit, was I scorned. Well, that was all in the past and I'm over it now - but while spending some time with my mom over the holiday we were talking about that moment and how I have been doing lately, as far as dating new guys and what not. I realized that the struggle between my mom's advice is pretty ridiculous. She'll go from saying something like, "go out for drinks, rebound" to "go get one drink..but just one, don't get sloppy" to "you know, you are young and there will be other men." etc.

So after the holiday and having this song just come on my shuffle I've decided to put together the most memorable "how to deal with a break-up" checklist by my mother.

1. take a day to be really sad. Then stop making yourself sick by crying - get out, do stuff, call a friend.
2. get a hair cut, color your hair - do something for you that makes you feel beautiful.
3. pedicures never hurt.
4. kick him in the balls
5. do not answer his calls or reply to his messages
6. delete him from everything
7. go get a drink - but not too many, don't get sloppy
8. if you must have revenge, wait a month then key his car in a parking lot so no one will suspect you
9. does he have cute friends? .... 
10. go to the gym, you always want to look better than him.
11. don't forget to eat. keep yourself healthy
12. don't dwell on what you can't change. It does you no good to keep thinking of how it happened or what would have happened if it went a different way. He's an ass, not worth it and you're better off.
13. don't overload your friends, don't be that girl.
14. go on a date or two but don't jump into a relationship
15. don't hate all men because this one sucked.
16. stay strong, but there is no shame in being sad
17. for the love of God, don't call him drunk.
18. sleep in the middle of your bed
19. imagine that look of fear he had when you showed up "hahahaha" and laugh about it.

Well, that is what I can remember. Pearls, aren't they? 

Four kinds of women.

My mother is genuinely worried I will die alone. She's said this on numerous occasions, she even tried to soften the blow of my high expectations of getting married by telling me, that I probably won't. (that was her being supportive.) Her most memorable analogy or piece of advice was to relate to me in a way she was sure I would understand, Sex and the City.

It was just another casual conversation with my mother, the usual questions followed by the always invading questions of my nonexistent dating life.. where there always seems to be two answers, post traumatic break up..you can read that here. It either goes like this, "No, that's over.. just another guy I thought had potential but he turned out to be a douche, typical" or "Nope, not seeing anyone, no mom I'm not a lesbian, Jesus!"

So one time, caught completely off guard my mom says, "You know Sam, there are four kinds of women, you need to be more like Charlotte. I know you are somewhere in between Carrie and Samantha, probably more close to Samantha than I'd like, and just because you have the same name doesn't mean you have to live up to it. You know what those two have in common, ...they don't get married, well Carrie does, but she's in her 40s...you don't want that. Going around giving IT up doesn't get you very far. Charlotte held out and was married... twice." (not exaclty what I'm shooting for, divorce and all). "Or even Miranda, she continues, wait, never-mind don't be like Miranda, she's too cynical and bitter, you're already bitter..you don't need to be worse. Be somewhere in between Charlotte and Carrie, try holding out, keep those legs closed, girl. hahahaha!!"

Well that's my mom for you. I guess there really is only 4 types of women. Which one are you? Apparently I'm in between the two spinsters. Awesome. Guess I will die alone.

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No One Camps Like the Ramos Tribe

The other weekend I went camping with my family and a friend. I'm glad I brought an outsider to attest to my family's antics, because as crazy and outlandish as you think they sound... seeing it is believing. I can't even begin to describe the Ramos debauchery ..it's all so inappropriate, embarrassing and hilarious but here goes.

My Mom likes to portray herself as quiet and reserved but when she's around family and me in particular she lets loose. She curses like a sailor, makes everything a sexual joke, likes to embarrass her kids beyond belief and thoroughly gets off on people hurting themselves (we are identical, with the exception of perception..I could give two shits how people think of me, she genuinely cares.)

My Dad is a whole other blog of fucked-up, but here's a quick back-story. My parents were married and then divorced, while I was in utero. He lived in Dallas, my mom and I lived in the Valley (RGV, aka almost Mexico.) My parents - either by sincere emotion, Mexican Catholic guilt propagated by both Grandmothers, or my incessant crying and complete naive begging, got back together to give it another shot when I was around seven. They had my brother when I was nine and have been unhappily cohabitating, well now recently, happily unmarried from then on.

Anyway, my Dad is super outgoing and needs the spotlight. He loves to tell stories and be the center of attention. He is really.. really emotional. He's cried more than I've ever seen a man cry and is super touchy-feely, heart to heart loving, long talks- sappy kind of guy..completely opposite of my Mother. Oh and he's huge, 6'2 and biiiiiiig. Imagine that stature blubbering like a baby. My Dad is not as funny as my Mom though, not naturally, at least. My mom can come back with quick quips- usually dirty whereas my Dad will most likely keep making fun of you because he has nothing to say. He gets flustered when my mom jokes about sex with me.. as he should. As a Father of a  twenty-something Daughter, I can imagine it is rough.. and that would be the end of that..but he, my father, in order to join in on the fun will turn every harmless joke my Mom says into deliberate uncomfortable situations about them and their (barf) love life. (real or not, it's disgusting).

My family, my  Dad's side is a hot mess, simply put. Outrageous, loud, alcohol-loving, night owls who like to have a good time, whether it's camping late at night or a two year old's birthday party. Where there is family and booze, we will have a good time.

All these explanations are necessary, trust me.

So upon arrival, my friend so graciously brings a bottle of vodka, worried that maybe she shouldn't, this being a family gathering and all.. I said something along the lines of, "no, they'll love it."

We walk up, vodka in hand and I hear my Aunt yell, "we got another bottle, see I told you! We should have bet!" --Now that's a welcome! Almost immediately we start drinking, making drinks for my Mom, Aunts and my dearest cousin, who is a hot mess just like me. After some catching up and playful banter, mostly at my expense my mom has now said countless inappropriate things such as: when discussing how hot and sweaty "we" are she calls a vagina... a... CLAM. She points out the size of my boobs, thanks to a very well constructed bikini top and almost immediately asks if anyone has been "sucking on them, because they look bigger."

Later that night and almost an entire liter of vodka later, I suggest a "pants off dance off" -which went over well.. although I may have started and competed by myself for a while. The (fully clothed, thank God) dance off turned into me "dropping it like it was  hot"....on my mother. It didn't stop there.. my Dad, being himself, had to compete and try to take me out.. he has some moves, I'll give him that.. but before I threw up watching my dad dry hump a chair saying, "that's what your mom likes" to Marvin Gaye..I shut him up the only way I know how... I said, "weird.. that's what the guys I sleep with say about me!" He quickly stopped and shut the hell up. Then in order to put that conversation to bed, I suggested we play a friendly game of family flip cup.  -Normal right?

Being of the Ramos clan, my family was intrigued by anything involving alcohol and competition. So we played until the wee hours of the night. Kids were even playing- with soda, though as we find out later my 13 year old cousin was sneaking beer. As it turns out, family flip cup was a real bonding experience. Beer pong on the other hand (which we also played) was not - we are way to competitive for that shit. In the midst of all this family fun debauchery I looked over at my friend, fully understanding for the first time what is happening and said, "this. is. my. family. .. is this real life? Clearly I didn't stand a chance"

I mean, really. We are a product of our environment, are we not? My mom is ridiculous, vulgar and pure evil. My Dad is loud, egotistical, a natural center of attention - spotlight loving goof. My family is loud, crazy and hella fun. Nowhere in the cards was I meant to be an engineer, doctor or business-y, functioning member of society. I fully accept where I am, who I am and how I behave.. but I will continue to use my family as writing material. That the least they can do for me. Bastards.

Mom's Dating Advice

In a moment of  confusion and an utter loss for words, decisions, thinking straight etc. I emailed my mom this:


Subject: you are in control of all my decisions re: boys

 

MOM,

 

since I am incapable of making good choices regarding my love life (or lack their of) you are now in complete control. (complete is used lightly.) 

 

2 things: 

 

One, that guy i was seeing went  away for a job and i didn't hear from him for 2 weeks, now he's calling again but won't be back till late August/September or maybe never I don't know. I liked him but now i'm not so sure.. I feel bad. Do I tell him I'm not into it anymore or give him a shot, or ignore him.

 

Two, If i'm attracted to someone or some people, and I feel like it may be mutual but nothing comes out of it because he/they won't make a freaking move, should I? 

 

I give up. haha

My Mom's reply:

Subject: RE: you are in control of all my decisions re: boys

One if you don’t feel anything at all for that guy then don’t lead him on, but wait until he gets back don’t do while he’s away or over a text or e-mail.

Two no don’t invite guys if they want to they'll ask, let him chase you give him a little taste of what may be to come some of that caramel sweetness LOL I know yuck…

Three I was up late last night and saw an ad for christiansingles.com hahaha.

Me to Mom:  Subject: RE: you are in control of all my decisions re: boys

I saw that stupid commercial for Christian singles too. ayyy. I doubt anyone who is on Christiansingles would want to date me. I am too crazy for a bible thumper and that isn't the wussy kinda of guy i'd want.

Yes, In case you missed it or disregarded it, my mom referred to my body/sex/no clue as "caramel sweetness" I wish I made this shit up. 

See, world -  I had no shot at being a normal, appropriate, lady-like young woman. NO SHOT IN HELL. My mother is definitely not your average June Clever, but hey she tells it like it is, solid advice, minus Christian Singles. 

Fuck Mr. Right

While indulging in a hungover Saturday morning, well.. afternoon I received a call from my Mom. She always starts off a conversation with "You out and about?" As if I have such a wonderful life, where I'm constantly doing things.. weird enough is that 1 of  2 things always happens.

Scenario One: "why yes, I'm actually out with ---- and we're going to ---"

"Ohhhh so I guess you're made of money, always out spending money you don't have. Well I guess you can afford to take over (insert bills)" (insert eye roll) "don't roll your eyes at me, I know when you're doing it!" She says. 

Scenario Two: "Nope, I'm at home.. just watching tv  or ----"

"Why? You okay? You good on money? What happened, are you sad?" She says so guilty, because she knows what she would have said, otherwise. Then I'm dragged into a much longer conversation than intended. She then gets worried and calls everyday until she's sure I'm fine. 

So really, there is no right answer to this question. I went with the truth. 

"No, I'm at home.. I have a headache. I'm just watching TV and being a bum" 

"How are you going to meet Mr. Right being a lazy-ass hermit?" She asks, taking me completely by surprise. 

So being hungover and completely caught off guard by whatever has inceptioned its way into my mom I shout, "Fuck Mr. Right!!"

To my relief my mom starts laughing hysterically and shouts, "There is my Sam, atta girl! Guess your back. About damn time girl. You were starting to worry me, you little shit" (little shit is her pet name for me, always has been. - Warm and cuddly, huh?) 

"Well, guess I am back" I say, excited that I'm not all mopey and if I'm telling the truth, quite surprised as well. 

"What did it this time" she asks, calmly and more inquisitive. 

"Oh you know, just another douche disguising as a nice guy, but this time I saw through the bullshit and hit pause." 

"Well you're right, fuck Mr. Right, let that asshole come to you!" she says, very Motherly - well for her.

"But don't spend all day in your apartment, ok?" -she adds, to make sure I am indeed okay. 

The thing is, some lines like that, like a little mother-henish, additional comment to most other people would be nagging.. but I know the difference between her nagging and her feelings that she can't really express. Something like "But don't spend all day in your apartment, ok?" with the inflection in her voice in the "ok?" means so much more. It means, "I worry about you. I love you. I want you to be happy. I want to say more."

But, because it is my Mom, who is super uncomfortable with displays of emotion talking to me, who is exactly the same, we leave it at that and make a joke. 

"Yea yea, I'm going out tonight, on to the next one!"

What can I say - like Mother like Daughter. 

[Wo]man Up.

Mother, Mother.. you never disappoint.

After talking to my Mother the other day she asked if I had any plans, why yes Mom, I'm actually going to my friends Wedding Shower. Wedding shower? she asks quite surprised.
"Yep, I guess I'm at that age where MY friends are getting married, having kids, you know.. growing up. Yep, everyone but meeeee!" I say half joking, half serious and depressed. And then..
"WHAT THE FUCK SAM" my mom shouts. "What is wrong with you, who are you? You need to Woman the hell up. I can't believe the shit you've been saying lately, listen, yes.. you've dated your fair share of assholes but come on Sam." She says quite exasperated. "You are strong, you never wanted to get married, you always said you wanted to be alone and enjoy your 20s and make a name for yourself." she continues.

"I know, but.. I don't know.. I'm changing, i guess" I say trying to make her understand, or make myself understand what I'm feeling.

"No, you're not, you're sad and that's okay but don't feel sorry for yourself. You'll meet someone great when the time is right, so snap the hell out of it!"

Boom, just like that.. my mom has put me back on track.

So by this point you've realized, my Mother isn't a rainbows and sunshine & coddling parent.. instead she tells it like it is.. from the age of 9 or maybe before. I used to want someone to just stroke my hair and tell me the answers to my spelling questions or tell me that I was a fucking princess and my prince charming would appear at the age of 20 or whatever those parents tell you. Instead, I got a real world, slightly bitter albeit strong sense of self from an early age and for that, I am grateful.

Sometimes you need a reality check and someone to bring you out of your damn sad bubble. For me that is my Mom. She may not be the cookie cutter Mother you imagine from your childhood..but she's my best friend. We can talk about anything and we try  to talk as open and freely as possible..which is awesome, most of the time.


So, thanks Mom. Consider me, [Wo]man-ed the fuck up.

Mom's Money Trouble Advice

If my problem involves any form of monetary trouble, Mom's advice is "strap a pole, girl."

stripping: mom approved, cure-all to any and every money struggle. 

Examples:

2 years ago after graduating with a less than impressive English Degree from The University of Texas, with no job prospects. Mom says's, "Well Sam.. have  you considered stripping, like ...the opposite side of town from where you live? There is money to be made, I won't be ashamed of you."

When my student loan bills started coming.. in red envelopes. Mom says, "Sam, seriously.. strap a pole, come on, put those good moves to use, you have rhythm, use it. 

Yesterday, when after reading this article about a guy who paid off his $90k student loan in 7 months, I asked her if there was anything I could do. Like what was I good at that I could do on the side, something creative. 

Mom's response: That would be great, but he sacrificed quite a bit. Are you willing to do the same thing with strapping a pole… you should respond to his blog if your able to and ask him to help you out. Appeal to him as only you know how to work it…..

Thanks mom.. I feel like she's alluding to me doing a bit more than strapping a pole. How does she know what I would do to "appeal to him?" ..oh that's right, she's my mom. Mom's do know best, right?

On occasions of circumstance, I will sell shots at a bar where everyone knows my name. When telling my mom how much money I can make on a good night, rather than say "Wow, Sam that's awesome".. My mom says, "Wow, Sam...see imagine if you were a stripper!!"