Emails from My Mother...

Daily emails with my mom.. this is just yesterday's thread. 

The adventures of the emotionally retarded mother/daughter duo.. world's worst combination. We can't even express emotion with each other, there is no hope for me. 

MOM:   Hey girl is everything ok kind of got the feeling you needed to tell me something. Don’t forget to make an appointment for the dentist and the doctor.

ME:   no everything is fine, just birthday blues.. mostly the fact that i'm going to be 26 which is the age you had or were preggo with me and i'm still single as F with no prospects (anymore) and my job sucks .. mostly this is not what i had in mind for myself when i was younger.. you know ..that same ol' same pessimistic feelings. hahaha

I had liquid courage and just laid it all out there. It didn't go well. Now i'm sad and old and lonely. I'm gonna start collecting cats. right meow.

MOM:   HAHAH…sorry had a good laugh there. Good things comes to those who wait and all the garbage that goes along with lifting someone’s spirits.

It’ll happen, you're still young. I’ll lay off the grandma thing.

As for your job well hopefully there’s one out there perfect for you. Write to Oprah ask her for a job, appeal to her sense of whatever Oprah feels.

ME:   hahaha oh man, you are terrible at reassurance, luckily i am also terrible so i know when you actually have a genuine moment. WE ARE SO MESSED UP. 

I have been told that I was incapable of saying how i felt, unless it was through text message. They weren't wrong. I just don't like feelings. i don't want them, they're stupid and they make me feel things, ugh. 

MOM:  Dang Sam, were you always like this with your feelings. Well until  you show some emotion I guess that may be the day you find the ONE.

So texting is the only way your able to communicate your feelings? aye girl…ask your friends to set you up.

ME:   yea i'm emotionally retarded. 

i dont' think i'm at that age yet, if my friends knew of someone to set me up with, they would be with them. hahaha.

MOM:   The one’s that are in a relationship, a brother, or anything?  Aye Sam hope you have a good Birthday… 

Just like that, convo over. I think it got too close to being a mushy moment, neither of us are okay with that. So... know of any cats? 

Weddings and Funerals

ahh holidays. Am I right? If it weren't for all the lovely and necessary alcoholic holiday drinks I don't know how I would have survived my mother this season. Having so many "coupled up" holidays so close together might not bug most people, those people are assholes and are probably in a loving relationship. Fuck them. Anyway, those people also probably have loving and supporting mothers who are just so overjoyed to see their only daughter, the eldest, golden, first born child whom they adore, right? Herein lies my problem, my mother - emotionally retarded and void of all positive natured criticism is just so deconstructive, infuriating and brutally honest.

Yes, I do own a mirror. Yes, I have noticed the weight gain. Yes, I do drink more than I should, NO - I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM.  Yes Mother, I realize I have not had a stable relationship since he who shall not be mentioned, and yes, I'm aware of how long ago that was. For the love of God NO, mother, I'm not a lesbian. I'm just single, 25, no prospects and ok-- not in as of great shape as I used to be. To which my loving wretched Mother replies, "Might as well be." This was just DAY ONE.

On our way back from my extended family's house on Christmas Eve, alone with ...her, she attempts having a normal conversation of my dating life and other life choices. After the subtle probing questions,  to which I can only feel worse about myself, which therefore requires no further injury to my pride --she keeps going. "Sam, what if you never get married?" Realizing she dove right in to the deep end too quick she retracts a bit, "I mean, what if you don't get married before.. you know.. your grandparents... die. What if I die?" With no possible shock left, due to a lifetime of experiences like this, and my own emotional handicap, a direct result of being my Mother's daughter, I sarcastically say, "Mom, at this point I will plan your funeral before I plan my wedding." To which, we both immediately start laughing hysterically. I had given up and when I stop fighting back with her, she feels remorse, so me giving in made her feel like shit - yet she laughed it up and continued to subtly pick on me.. but at least that conversation was over.

 I need a serious detox from all things depressing, which is why my annual trip to Colorado with my friends for one big music festival, snowboarding and debauchery trip comes in perfect timing. I shall come back renewed and hungover.