Weddings and Funerals

ahh holidays. Am I right? If it weren't for all the lovely and necessary alcoholic holiday drinks I don't know how I would have survived my mother this season. Having so many "coupled up" holidays so close together might not bug most people, those people are assholes and are probably in a loving relationship. Fuck them. Anyway, those people also probably have loving and supporting mothers who are just so overjoyed to see their only daughter, the eldest, golden, first born child whom they adore, right? Herein lies my problem, my mother - emotionally retarded and void of all positive natured criticism is just so deconstructive, infuriating and brutally honest.

Yes, I do own a mirror. Yes, I have noticed the weight gain. Yes, I do drink more than I should, NO - I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM.  Yes Mother, I realize I have not had a stable relationship since he who shall not be mentioned, and yes, I'm aware of how long ago that was. For the love of God NO, mother, I'm not a lesbian. I'm just single, 25, no prospects and ok-- not in as of great shape as I used to be. To which my loving wretched Mother replies, "Might as well be." This was just DAY ONE.

On our way back from my extended family's house on Christmas Eve, alone with ...her, she attempts having a normal conversation of my dating life and other life choices. After the subtle probing questions,  to which I can only feel worse about myself, which therefore requires no further injury to my pride --she keeps going. "Sam, what if you never get married?" Realizing she dove right in to the deep end too quick she retracts a bit, "I mean, what if you don't get married before.. you know.. your grandparents... die. What if I die?" With no possible shock left, due to a lifetime of experiences like this, and my own emotional handicap, a direct result of being my Mother's daughter, I sarcastically say, "Mom, at this point I will plan your funeral before I plan my wedding." To which, we both immediately start laughing hysterically. I had given up and when I stop fighting back with her, she feels remorse, so me giving in made her feel like shit - yet she laughed it up and continued to subtly pick on me.. but at least that conversation was over.

 I need a serious detox from all things depressing, which is why my annual trip to Colorado with my friends for one big music festival, snowboarding and debauchery trip comes in perfect timing. I shall come back renewed and hungover.