Mom's Dating Advice

In a moment of  confusion and an utter loss for words, decisions, thinking straight etc. I emailed my mom this:


Subject: you are in control of all my decisions re: boys

 

MOM,

 

since I am incapable of making good choices regarding my love life (or lack their of) you are now in complete control. (complete is used lightly.) 

 

2 things: 

 

One, that guy i was seeing went  away for a job and i didn't hear from him for 2 weeks, now he's calling again but won't be back till late August/September or maybe never I don't know. I liked him but now i'm not so sure.. I feel bad. Do I tell him I'm not into it anymore or give him a shot, or ignore him.

 

Two, If i'm attracted to someone or some people, and I feel like it may be mutual but nothing comes out of it because he/they won't make a freaking move, should I? 

 

I give up. haha

My Mom's reply:

Subject: RE: you are in control of all my decisions re: boys

One if you don’t feel anything at all for that guy then don’t lead him on, but wait until he gets back don’t do while he’s away or over a text or e-mail.

Two no don’t invite guys if they want to they'll ask, let him chase you give him a little taste of what may be to come some of that caramel sweetness LOL I know yuck…

Three I was up late last night and saw an ad for christiansingles.com hahaha.

Me to Mom:  Subject: RE: you are in control of all my decisions re: boys

I saw that stupid commercial for Christian singles too. ayyy. I doubt anyone who is on Christiansingles would want to date me. I am too crazy for a bible thumper and that isn't the wussy kinda of guy i'd want.

Yes, In case you missed it or disregarded it, my mom referred to my body/sex/no clue as "caramel sweetness" I wish I made this shit up. 

See, world -  I had no shot at being a normal, appropriate, lady-like young woman. NO SHOT IN HELL. My mother is definitely not your average June Clever, but hey she tells it like it is, solid advice, minus Christian Singles. 

Fuck Mr. Right

While indulging in a hungover Saturday morning, well.. afternoon I received a call from my Mom. She always starts off a conversation with "You out and about?" As if I have such a wonderful life, where I'm constantly doing things.. weird enough is that 1 of  2 things always happens.

Scenario One: "why yes, I'm actually out with ---- and we're going to ---"

"Ohhhh so I guess you're made of money, always out spending money you don't have. Well I guess you can afford to take over (insert bills)" (insert eye roll) "don't roll your eyes at me, I know when you're doing it!" She says. 

Scenario Two: "Nope, I'm at home.. just watching tv  or ----"

"Why? You okay? You good on money? What happened, are you sad?" She says so guilty, because she knows what she would have said, otherwise. Then I'm dragged into a much longer conversation than intended. She then gets worried and calls everyday until she's sure I'm fine. 

So really, there is no right answer to this question. I went with the truth. 

"No, I'm at home.. I have a headache. I'm just watching TV and being a bum" 

"How are you going to meet Mr. Right being a lazy-ass hermit?" She asks, taking me completely by surprise. 

So being hungover and completely caught off guard by whatever has inceptioned its way into my mom I shout, "Fuck Mr. Right!!"

To my relief my mom starts laughing hysterically and shouts, "There is my Sam, atta girl! Guess your back. About damn time girl. You were starting to worry me, you little shit" (little shit is her pet name for me, always has been. - Warm and cuddly, huh?) 

"Well, guess I am back" I say, excited that I'm not all mopey and if I'm telling the truth, quite surprised as well. 

"What did it this time" she asks, calmly and more inquisitive. 

"Oh you know, just another douche disguising as a nice guy, but this time I saw through the bullshit and hit pause." 

"Well you're right, fuck Mr. Right, let that asshole come to you!" she says, very Motherly - well for her.

"But don't spend all day in your apartment, ok?" -she adds, to make sure I am indeed okay. 

The thing is, some lines like that, like a little mother-henish, additional comment to most other people would be nagging.. but I know the difference between her nagging and her feelings that she can't really express. Something like "But don't spend all day in your apartment, ok?" with the inflection in her voice in the "ok?" means so much more. It means, "I worry about you. I love you. I want you to be happy. I want to say more."

But, because it is my Mom, who is super uncomfortable with displays of emotion talking to me, who is exactly the same, we leave it at that and make a joke. 

"Yea yea, I'm going out tonight, on to the next one!"

What can I say - like Mother like Daughter. 

[Wo]man Up.

Mother, Mother.. you never disappoint.

After talking to my Mother the other day she asked if I had any plans, why yes Mom, I'm actually going to my friends Wedding Shower. Wedding shower? she asks quite surprised.
"Yep, I guess I'm at that age where MY friends are getting married, having kids, you know.. growing up. Yep, everyone but meeeee!" I say half joking, half serious and depressed. And then..
"WHAT THE FUCK SAM" my mom shouts. "What is wrong with you, who are you? You need to Woman the hell up. I can't believe the shit you've been saying lately, listen, yes.. you've dated your fair share of assholes but come on Sam." She says quite exasperated. "You are strong, you never wanted to get married, you always said you wanted to be alone and enjoy your 20s and make a name for yourself." she continues.

"I know, but.. I don't know.. I'm changing, i guess" I say trying to make her understand, or make myself understand what I'm feeling.

"No, you're not, you're sad and that's okay but don't feel sorry for yourself. You'll meet someone great when the time is right, so snap the hell out of it!"

Boom, just like that.. my mom has put me back on track.

So by this point you've realized, my Mother isn't a rainbows and sunshine & coddling parent.. instead she tells it like it is.. from the age of 9 or maybe before. I used to want someone to just stroke my hair and tell me the answers to my spelling questions or tell me that I was a fucking princess and my prince charming would appear at the age of 20 or whatever those parents tell you. Instead, I got a real world, slightly bitter albeit strong sense of self from an early age and for that, I am grateful.

Sometimes you need a reality check and someone to bring you out of your damn sad bubble. For me that is my Mom. She may not be the cookie cutter Mother you imagine from your childhood..but she's my best friend. We can talk about anything and we try  to talk as open and freely as possible..which is awesome, most of the time.


So, thanks Mom. Consider me, [Wo]man-ed the fuck up.

Mom's Money Trouble Advice

If my problem involves any form of monetary trouble, Mom's advice is "strap a pole, girl."

stripping: mom approved, cure-all to any and every money struggle. 

Examples:

2 years ago after graduating with a less than impressive English Degree from The University of Texas, with no job prospects. Mom says's, "Well Sam.. have  you considered stripping, like ...the opposite side of town from where you live? There is money to be made, I won't be ashamed of you."

When my student loan bills started coming.. in red envelopes. Mom says, "Sam, seriously.. strap a pole, come on, put those good moves to use, you have rhythm, use it. 

Yesterday, when after reading this article about a guy who paid off his $90k student loan in 7 months, I asked her if there was anything I could do. Like what was I good at that I could do on the side, something creative. 

Mom's response: That would be great, but he sacrificed quite a bit. Are you willing to do the same thing with strapping a pole… you should respond to his blog if your able to and ask him to help you out. Appeal to him as only you know how to work it…..

Thanks mom.. I feel like she's alluding to me doing a bit more than strapping a pole. How does she know what I would do to "appeal to him?" ..oh that's right, she's my mom. Mom's do know best, right?

On occasions of circumstance, I will sell shots at a bar where everyone knows my name. When telling my mom how much money I can make on a good night, rather than say "Wow, Sam that's awesome".. My mom says, "Wow, Sam...see imagine if you were a stripper!!"